Let me rephrase that - they have done this before and they still got rid of their puppy.
Why?
Because they are much smarter than me.
Perhaps I should take a hint...
However, here's the problem - my kids (and perhaps even my husband) would never forgive me if I forced us to give Nash away. So not only do I get the lion's share of the responsibility for Nash during the week, I also become the "bad guy" if I can't handle it.
Rock and a hard place - here I am.
So, how did week two go?
Well, I consider it a success because everyone - including Nash - is still alive and we all have clean underwear - most of the time. Yeah, my standards are that high.
I'm still overwhelmed and I've hit the bottle a bit more this week. (Perhaps that is why Owen is sleeping a little bit better?)
Mornings are crazy - there is no other way to describe it. Sometimes 1:00 rolls around and I have no idea how I made it there. Here's a typical morning for me...
Nate gets up and takes Nash for a walk and feeds her before he leaves for work around 6:45.
(Except for Friday when he was "running late" and didn't have time to walk her. I came downstairs to find 2 large piles of feces in my kitchen! So I did what any loving, furious wife would do - I took a picture and sent it to him with a stern warning that running late was no longer a luxury.)
By the time he leaves I'm up feeding Owen and preparing for the day. After he leaves I can hear Nash barking in her kennel as she needs more than a walk to wear her out after a full nights sleep. Not much I can do as Owen keeps me occupied. I'm usually ready to go downstairs by 7:30 with Alex by my side (Maddie stumbles down a bit later with her spider web hair and blankie) and the babe on my hip. Nash greets us with barks.
Owen gets his bouncy seat, Alex gets breakfast, I get coffee and take Nash out to keep her away from Alex while she's eating. She gets incredibly excited to see Alex and loves to jump and nip at her while eating. Truly the rest of the morning is hard to describe in words, but here is what needs to happen:
8:30 - 9:30 Alex tennis lessons at the local park M - R
9:00 - 11:00 Maddie has a program at the local park T & R
10:45 - 11:15 Both girls have swim lessons at the local pool M - R
Somewhere in between running them around I have to make sure Nash gets walked and relieves herself and Owen gets fed and changed. Thankfully, I have a great friend who comes over around 8:00 and helps with the kids as her children are involved in the same activities. She is also a baby LOVER and will gladly help when needed (which is often). Any spare minute is spent putting dishes away, catching up on laundry, or making sure our bills don't slip through the cracks.
At swim lessons I often feed the baby and then worry about how I'm going to survive the next hour when 3 things need to happen simultaneously - Owen needs to nap, the girls need to eat, and Nash needs to be let out (and she is always VERY wild at this time). Even though it kills me, McDonald's solves one of my problems on occasion as trying to make lunch with a hyper pup is nearly impossible.
The afternoon is less crazy, but is mostly spent watching the clock (and dreaming of less crazy days) until one of two things happens - 5:00 arrives and I convince myself that a cold beer is in order, OR Nate gets home and I can relieve myself of dog duty (never mind being relieved of baby duty - unfortunately, that ain't never gonna happen!).
I usually have a beer.
She is getting better. She doesn't bark in her kennel anymore and she can usually stay alone in the kitchen for an hour or two without destroying anything. We had the invisible fence installed on Friday and she is quickly learning her boundaries. She's just a puppy - she is actually quite good, it's just, well, again - she's a puppy who has a lot of energy and needs a lot of my time. It's quite manageable with another adult around and thankfully, Nate has vacation next week. I just have to make it through 4 more days alone. 4 more days. 4 more days.
Wednesday afternoon I got to experience my first trip to the vet. My wonderful sister-in-law, Dana, came over to watch the baby for me so I didn't have to bring him with me. The girls also decided to stay with her which meant that I had some alone time with Nash. Aside from a walk her and I took the first morning she was with us, this was the ONLY time that I was alone with her and wasn't forcing her off my children.
My motherly instincts kicked in when we walked in the waiting room and 2 other large dogs started to check her out. They were further heightened as she stood shaking on the examining table unsure of what was going to happen. Her sweet little puppy eyes met mine as she looked toward met to keep her safe - she trusted me to keep her safe.
And I did. I pet her and cuddled with her. I whispered words of encouragement and love as she got her vaccinations. I praised her continually for being such a "good girl". And I realized something...
...I really, really love this dog and I want her to stay with us forever.
Unfortunately, wants and needs are two different things and I'm not sure that my desire for her will be enough to keep her around. Because desire and reality are two very different things.
Mothers, in general, are flooded with guilt - over EVERYTHING. It must be in our nature to think that we aren't doing enough for our families. Did my kids watch too much TV today? Were they outside enough? Did Owen get tummy time? Did they get a nutritious meal? Did I remember to put sunscreen on them? Did they brush their teeth? Did I tell them I love them or was my tone too harsh as I was telling them to clean their room for the umpteenth time? Do they know that I would die to keep them safe? Did we remember to pray and thank God for all we have? Does Nate know how much I love and respect him even when we're walking through a marital low?
We second guess everything we do, say, and think. Our minds are filled with an endless string of thoughts, worries, and questions about how we aren't good enough, doing enough, or being enough. (Personally, I think most men would hit the road running if they had just a glimpse into the female mind.)
And here is my real problem with my current chaos.
I can't be good at anything I'm currently doing. I'm just barely getting by and everyone I love is getting the short end of the stick because I'm stretched in too many directions. I feel like my kids and spouse hate me by the end of the day because I'm so physically and mentally spent that I don't have the energy to be nice.
And here's the other problem.
I always envisioned enjoying these days. I want to look back at pictures and remember how fun Nash was as a little pup - how cute she was. I want to enjoy the sweet sounds of Baby Owen as he may very well be my last baby. I want to enjoy my last summer with Maddie before she starts school. I want to enjoy time with Alex before she stops wanting to spend time with me. I want to like my husband and enjoy his company again instead of resenting him for leaving me with three kids and a puppy all day long. And because things are so crazy, I can't enjoy them.
So what's the solution?
I'm not sure, but I'm trying hard to find a balance that doesn't involve getting rid of the dog or committing myself.
And, quite honestly, I don't know if I'll be successful on either criteria.
5 comments:
Aw, it sounds like things are crazy but it will get better! And im so glad you can enjoy a beer at the end of the day :) I didnt even know you had Owen! Thats how out of the loop I am! Praying for you and all the craziness. Have a great weekend!
I have no idea why this post made me cry. Well, it's not like I'm hysterical, but so very teary. And, you know I'm not usually very emotional. But, I am getting old ;)
I guess it's because every woman in America can relate to your transparent and honest feelings. Including this woman - I certainly can understand your life balance dilemma - well, sans the beer. I hate beer, but I supplemented a glass of red wine in its place and now can connect completely (You seriously need to get this article published)!
Hang in there and release any and all guilt (I'm convinced it's part of "the Fall"). You're doing the best you can. You're a wonderful and beautiful mom, wife, friend, person, and puppy owner. I support any decision you make about Nash - no judgment here! (We just adopted a kitten b/c I was too scared to do the dog thing right now, it satisfied the kids for the time being!).
Love and miss ya tons and wish I could give ya a big fat hug in person and toast with ya glass to glass. Here's to life - the good, the bad and the ugly!
Wow...I feel the same. You have no idea :). 3 kids, oldest one might not speak to me soon, middle going to Kindergarten, youngest needs me so much, puppy that is a puppy (mine is smaller than Nash though) full time job watching people die in July and school lurking in the fall...I wish we were closer, we could put them all in the yard and watch them while we drink wine :).
Love, Tiffany
I hear ya Holly. It makes a lot of sense to me that you are feeling overwhelmed right now. I can relate to it all- well, not the puppy part- but if you made that puppy another baby, it would fit. I know that for me, by the end of the day, I feel like I have nothing left to give either let alone trying to connect with my spouse who has been gone all day (the resentment part? I relate to that too!).
I hope that you are getting the support that you need and deserve. Maybe in the form of a wonderful, loving, supportive, and amazing neighbor (sound familiar my wonderful old neighbor)? I know that just about any mom can relate to what you are going through. But as a mom who is in the midst of the craziness, any time you want to talk- I would love to hear from you. I wish we lived closer so we could commiserate!! I sincerely miss you. Good luck and may God bless you through this time.
Hello Holly. Your post made me tear up. I only have 2 kids and no dog and I have days like yours. I have to say that the older they get it does get easier. I know hearing that doesn't help with the now but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You are an amazing mother and wife! Your children won't remember the days that mom had no patients. They are going to remember all the love, the fun times and all the extra special things that you do for them(ex. cup cakes on b-day mornings). And I'm sure all of things that are consuming you right now aren't going unnoticed by Nate. I guaranty you he thinks you are amazing. Before you know it this "season" will be over and you will look back and think we made it through. And have as many beers as you need. You deserve them!
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