I've dreamt about it, fantasized about it - I've even cried about it. However, now that it is almost here, I can't quite find the motivation to prepare for it.
The moment: the end of Nate's training and the beginning of what we've referred to as the "real job" for the last 10 years. Our "one day" is finally here - and I have mixed emotions.
I'm overwhelmingly excited to be moving closer to family and moving into my dream house and worrying about finances in a different manner (there will always be worry - for the last 10 years it's been "let's get through this month"; whereas now, it will be "let's plan for our family's future and play "catch up" with college savings, retirement, etc."). I'm thrilled to be welcoming a baby boy into our family in 3.5 months (holy crap, did I just say 3.5 months!?!?). I can't wait to be able to meet my mom or mother in law for coffee or lunch any time I want. I'm excited to not have to "split time" with family like we used to when we traveled back home for the last 10 years. I'm exceedingly happy to not have to live through another hot, humid, nasty, sweltering Southern summer and can instead enjoy a pleasant, sometimes hot, sometimes cold, mosquito infested Midwest summer.
However, truth be told, I'm feeling a little scared - an emotion that I didn't think would accompany this point in history. I'm scared of the unknown, scared of the direction this country is heading, scared of what the next step will bring, scared of not being able to be a good enough mom or wife to help my family through this transition, scared of watching Alex cry as we say good bye to her friends next Friday, scared of watching her hesitation as she begins her new school in January, scared of beginning what could potentially be our "forever" place - the list of worries go on and on...(and doesn't even touch the fact that we are moving 6 days before Christmas!!!)
And, for all my tough talk of winter to my Southern friends, I may be just a teeny, tiny, bit scared of the 12 inches of snow that are patiently waiting in my yard for me - just a little bit... :)
Through my roller coaster of emotions I find myself continuing to go back to Psalm 46:10 -
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the Earth."
And though I still worry, I find great comfort in this verse when I remember to slow down and admit that I'm not in charge and never have been and never will be. I have to remind myself of this simple fact daily.
So, perhaps now that I've actually written about my feelings I'll be able to move on and prepare for this final move. I have all the practical things done (utilities, medical records, address changed, etc.) completed, the movers are coming to pack us up next Wednesday, but now it's time to move on to the much more difficult task - preparing my emotions to say good bye to some wonderful friends and schools that have helped us during our last 18 months in St. Louis. And, more importantly, preparing to be the mommy that my girls will need me to be as they process the upcoming changes in their lives. Wish me luck!
And, just for kicks, here's me at 24 weeks...
I hope in this busy holiday season that you too will remember to "be still" and find comfort knowing that you aren't in control.
3 comments:
From someone who has made the transition from training to "real job" (although still waiting for the forever home/state/city) - don't be fooled...the monthly "making it through" takes a while to adjust to, a whole different mindest, especially when paying off all that debt that has accrued. :) While this is a huge transition worthy of mixed feelings, I would be willing to bet hormones are playing a bigger role in what you would be feeling were you not pregnant. Don't they always make things seem bigger and more intense and more "worrisome?" :) You will be fine and you will spring into action at teh last minute when it gets down to "crunch time."
Best of luck!!
TMA - hormones?! No, those have no effect on me - just ask Nate! :) Yes, you are probably right, I'm sure they are playing a huge role. It's hard to put my emotions into words and I love the advice of those who have transitioned before me. We have a lot of "changes" coming up - it will take a while to get used to. Thanks!
I LOVED this blog Holly....made me cry....seeing you go through all those emotions, EXPECTED ones and NON-EXPECTED ones... loved seeing your belly.... just loved the whole thing!!!! ESPECIALLY the Bible verse..which certainly puts things in perspective.. HE IS IN CONTROL...and thank goodness!! LOL.. I look forward to sharing your life w/you via this blog!! MISS YA girl...and love yas ALL!!
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